i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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