Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
