Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
