I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
