i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
