I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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