you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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