I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
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We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
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So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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