quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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