I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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