sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
