Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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