Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
