Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
