If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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