did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
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My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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