i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today