There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
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Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened