A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You took a bar mat shot.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol