Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
