just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
