Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
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Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
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I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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