she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
