I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
