so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
