You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
