had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
