This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
