i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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