i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
