allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If I die, sorry about rent.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
