I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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