If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
