You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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