Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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