Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
