she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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