Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
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