I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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