The maid of honor just puked.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
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I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
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Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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