Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
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I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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