Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
