My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
