My Higher Power is John Stamos
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
