Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
