I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
