My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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