I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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