My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
