After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
