Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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