is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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