i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
