We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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