Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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