when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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