Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
