how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
