I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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