I faked an abortion last night.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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