Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
