We got so high we made milksteak
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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