I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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