The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
